reading. ... only by studying the various great religions and philosophies of humanity, by comparing them dispassionately and with an unbiased mind, that men can hope to arrive at the truth. For hours, he continued reading Madame Blavatsky's views on the occult and her thoughts on mankind being of one essence, whom some named God and some named Nature. He spoke to his sleeping daughter. I don't know how this will help, Charlotte. This woman contradicts herself at every turn. She says one should study other religions with an unbiased mind, then she tries to distance her organization from Spiritualism which is similar in many ways. She even wrote articles for a Spiritualist magazine while living in America. Charlotte's cheeks were flushed and hot to his touch. He wiped her face with cool water and talked to her some more. I wish Madame Blavatsky's god would spare you, but it doesn't look likely. Christmas is only a fortnight away. I fear you won't make it, so I'm giving you an early gift. He placed a porcelain doll next to her. It's small white face had more colour than his daughter's. Third, this section feels like a POV shift to me.  It seems more like the mother is describing a situation she has no connection to.  It certainly could just be the way I read the story, but it felt like a momentary shift to me. Fourth, I really liked the splashes joining the opening and the ending.   Nicely done. Excellent story Sue, good luck in the challenge. bkr

Fourth, I really liked the splashes joining the opening and the ending.   Nicely done. Excellent story Sue, good luck in the challenge. Thank you, Frank, for the valuable feedback. I'll keep it nearby when I revise. -Sue

Scattered Splashes by Wind River Like stones skipped across a pond, his prayers rippled through the spirit world with only a few scattered splashes before sinking. Slightly mixed _meta_phor

Good job overall. Period voice was believable for me, apart from the one or two points I mentioned. It didn't seem stilted. I felt it was a little rushed at the end, but I guess you were running up against word count limits? Worth redoing this one, perhaps, outside the Challenge? A comment on your chosen POV: I think you caught the detachment that one might expect from a spirit, but perhaps it kept you away from the emotional place where the living parent would have been as he struggled to save his child. A rule of thumb is to tell a tale from the POV of the person who has most at stake. But, of course, you had to show certain events that only the wife knew about. You might have an excuse to switch POVs between mini-scenes here, since she can see inside his head in any case, so it's perhaps not too great a step for her to actually *be* inside his head for parts of the story. Anyway, an enjoyable and involving story that made me glad of the happy outcome. Thanks, Huw. I wrote this story in 3rd person, then I remembered and screamed, Oh darn that Patrick! It's supposed to be in first person!. Many of the Victorian stories don't seem to hold tightly to any pov, but it's so ingrained in me that I couldn't bring myself to jump around that much, so I figured I could go omniscient instead with a ghost's pov. I might try it from the living parent's pov for a more emotional story to see which I prefer. I will be reworking this one; I'm just not sure where I want to take it. It will be longer, because you're right, I rushed the ending to keep it within the word limit. As always, your comments are right on target, and I've already printed this critique to use when I revise. I, particularly, appreciate the sections where you showed me a better word choice, like laid the cloth instead of put the cloth or must instead of have to . Those suggestions point out some areas I need to be on the lookout for. One the main reasons I started writing fiction was to become more articulate, and those are the types of details that show me I still need work in that area. I'm grateful to have that brought to my attention. This is a critique I can take with me to other stories. Very helpful. Thank you, Huw. -Sue

Scattered Splashes by Wind River Like stones skipped across a pond, his prayers rippled through the spirit world with only a few scattered splashes before sinking. I know you're aspiring to a Dickensian _style_, but this needs tightening.  If you want to be wordy , you ought to _layer_ several ideas into one sentence, rather than repeat one or two ideas.  To grab attention of the reader, you'd have to make music out of the opening

Thank you, Alexandra. I've put this story aside for the moment, but I'm saving all the feedback with it. When I come back to it, I'll keep your comments in mind. I appreciate you taking the time to critique it so thoroughly. -Sue